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Over a spot of decent wine recently my good pal Bob Fanning (ex-lead guitarist & vocalist with The Chosen Few) and I were reminiscing about Bob Newhart. As the wine flowed we fell into imitating some of his classic routines. Remember Walter Raleigh telephoning to introduce tobacco? So you shred it up Walt, put it in some paper don’t tell me Walt – you put it between your lips then what do you do, Walt? You set fire to it! Then what Walt? You inhale the smoke! Walt, we’ve been a little worried about you lately , you’re going to have a tough time Walt getting people to stick burning leaves in their mouth. Possibly the greatest single comedy routine I’ve ever heard.
Full Text
Telephone rings
Yeh?... Who is it, Frank?... Sir Walter Raleigh?... Yeh?... Yeh, put him on, will you! Hey, Harry... you wanna pick up the extension?... Yeh! it's nutty Walter again! Hi, Walter baby, how are you, guy? How's everything going?... Oh, things are fine here, Walt!... Did we get the what?... Oh!, the boat load of turkeys, yeh! They arrived fine Walt, as a matter of fact they're still here, they're wonderin' all over London... Well, y'see, that's an American holiday, Walt!!!... What you got for us this time, Walt, you got another winner for us? Tob-acco... er, what's tob-acco, Walt?... It's a kind of leaf, huh?... And you bought eighty tonnes of it?!!... Let me get this straight, Walt, you've bought eighty tonnes of leaves? This may come as a kind of a surprise to you Walt but come fall in England, we're kinda upto our... It isn't that kind of leaf, huh?... Oh!, what kind is it then... some special kind of food?... Not exactly?... Oh, it has a lot of different uses, like, what are some of the uses, Walt?... Are you saying 'snuff', Walt?... What's snuff?... You take a pinch of tobacco, ha! ha! ha!... And you shove it up your nose. ha! ha! ha!... and it makes you sneeze? ha! ha! ha!... Yeh, I imagine it would, Walt! Hey, Goldenrod seems to do it pretty well over here! It has other uses though, huh?... You can chew it!... Or put it in a pipe!... Or you can shred it up... And put it in a piece of paper. And roll it up. ha ha ha... Don't tell me, Walt, don't tell me. you stick it in your ear, right? ha! ha! ha!... Oh! between your lips!... Then what do you do, Walt? . You set fire to it! Then what do you do, Walt?... Ha! ha! ha! You inhale the smoke, huh! ha! ha! ha!... You know, Walt... it seems you can stand in front of your own fireplace and have the same thing going for you! You see, Walt... we've been a little worried about you, y'know, ever since you put your cape down over that mud. Y'see, Walt... I think you're gonna have rather a tough time selling people on sticking burning leaves in their mouthes... It's going very big over there, is it?... What's the matter, Walt?... You spilt your what?... Your coff-ee?. What's coffee, Walt?... That's a drink you make out of beans, huh? ha! ha! ha!... That's going over very big there, too, is it?... A lot of people have a cup of coffee right after their first cigarette in the morning, huh?... Is that what you call the burning leaves, Walt?... cigarettes?... I tell you what, Walt!, why don't you send us a boatload of those beans, too! If you can talk people into putting those burning leaves in their mouthes... they've gotta go for those beans, Walt!... right? Listen, Walt... don't call us... we'll call you!... G'bye! Well, it inevitably led to the conclusion that whatever the generation, whoever the comic funny will always be funny. Not for the first time in my life I found myself between jobs. I wasn’t just resting; I was virtually in a coma. Then my agent came up with a part for me in the 80’s TV crime series Hard Cases. A vacant two-storey office premise on the edge of Nottingham had been taken over by the studio and temporarily converted into a police station with a neon sign outside and police cars parked on the forecourt. Very early one morning the full cast of men & women in police uniform were lounging around in the reception area waiting as the crew prepared the office interior for filming. Some sat on chairs reading newspapers while others lay dozing on the floor and staircase. Believing he had stopped off at a legitimate Police Station a lorry driver appeared in the doorway and asked for directions. Knowing the city I told him whilst he just stared bewildered around him. He never questioned what must have appeared to him to be the human remnants of a heavy night. He left, bemused, without saying anything
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