If God had wanted us to believe in him, he would have left clearer instructions.

Go to bed naked and your clothed partner will have to deal with the burglars.

Alfa Romeo is better than no Romeo.

A shoelace has a hundred uses but a shoe only has one.

If you are careful to look after your eyes as you go through life, then your eyes will look after a whole lot of things that don’t concern them.

Show me a millionaire and I’ll show you someone who can’t spend money.

An immaculate lawn may look like an immaculate lawn to a gardener, but to a farmer it is a failed hay meadow.

What on earth can have possessed the Savoy Hotel to name it self after a cabbage?

Many men claim to be good lovers. I have yet to hear one boasting of being a good father?

No brain surgeon ever takes up boxing.

A one-legged man can walk, but a one- winged bird cannot fly.

There are three things in life to avoid: a women seeking to improve the man she loves, a man seeking to complete his collection of beer mats, and a leaky fridge.

Washing-up water is a byword for dirtiness, but there is nothing in washing – up water that wasn’t on the dinning table in the first place, and which you weren’t then prepared to eat.

All the best saints were unmarried. It was inevitable. Would you want to live with a saint?